“Donald Trump really won in 2020.”

No, he fucking didn’t.

Not only did he lose the popular vote by something like 7 million, he lost the Electoral College, which is how we do things around here.

“There was election fraud.”

No, there fucking wasn’t.

In the middle of a global pandemic, rather than packing people into unhealthy, closed spaces like community centers, schools, gyms, etc — many states responsibly decided to allow for more mail in voting.

“The voting machines were rigged.”

No, they fucking weren’t.

Voting machines are the most heavily controlled and thoroughly audited computers we use, protected by mix nets and cryptography. Many of them even feature paper backups.

When audits were conducted, voting machines were found to be reliable, accurate, and free from tampering.

There are a few people who have claimed that Smartmatic and/or Dominion Voting Systems somehow conspired to rig the election. The people who made these claims are currently being sued for BILLIONS of dollars, because when you tell a lie that big, without evidence, you lose money.

“Illegals were voting.”

No, they fucking weren’t.

First things first, the proper term is undocumented immigrants. Secondly, the mechanisms of our registration process require proof of citizenship. So even if someone was to cast a provisional ballot, their vote would be thrown out upon review of their supporting documents.

“Voter fraud is a massive problem!”

No, it fucking isn’t.

The (extremely conservative) Heritage Foundation keeps a comprehensive record of all cases of voter fraud, going all the way back to 1979. Since 1979, there have been 1,328 convictions for voter fraud. That’s about 42 total cases, nationwide, per year.

On average, there are 0.84 cases of voter fraud, per state, per year.

Voter fraud does happen, but it’s so rare, and the penalties are so high, few people are dumb enough to attempt it.

“The Supreme Court refused to hear the evidence! The courts are rigged against us!”

No, they fucking aren’t.

Donald Trump’s attorneys tried and failed to try their cases before more than 50 of the nation’s most conservative judges, and every single case went down in flames, because unlike on Fox News, courts require evidence.

Donald Trump’s attorneys failed to provide any evidence of voter fraud, tampering, or anything close to it. In fact, let’s dig in — because court records are open for all the public to see…

Pennsylvania Federal Court – Montgomery County

Courts are different than television, because if a lawyer tells an outright lie in court, they are held in contempt, and put into jail. Lawyers don’t like going to jail for lying, so they generally avoid it.

This is just one example, but it’s basically what happened in every case that Trump’s attorneys filed in federal courts.

When asked by judges if they were claiming election fraud, they had one consistent answer.

No.

Arizona Federal Court – Maricopa County

Trump Campaign attorney, Kory Langhofer, November 12th, 2020…

This is exactly what he said in a federal courtroom. You ready?

“We are not alleging fraud in this lawsuit. We are not alleging anyone stealing the election.”

His attorney went on to explain that the case was about “good faith errors” in a “limited number of cases” where perhaps operators made mistakes in using voting machines.

What does that mean? Their case was that perhaps a dozen voters in Arizona may have had difficulty using the voting machines. Why? They didn’t bother to explain, and then Trump’s lawyers dropped the case.

“But there is no way Trump lost, I went to sleep and Trump was ahead, and when I woke up he was losing.”

No, he was never “ahead” in this race. Votes are counted randomly, and you only responded to what you understood on television.

One time I went to sleep during the middle of a basketball game when the Atlanta Hawks were playing the Brooklyn Nets. When I fell asleep, the Hawks were ahead by 8 points, and when I woke up, we lost the game. Why? Because Trae Young can’t play fucking defense.

But also, it’s because that’s how counting works. We don’t stop basketball games in the 3rd quarter just because one team has the lead. We play the whole game.

In elections, we count every vote, which means sometimes absentee and mail-in votes take longer to count. As long as your vote is postmarked by the correct date, your vote will be counted.

“Dead people voted! How is this possible?!”

No, they fucking didn’t.

Maybe you saw something like this, that “proved” (did not prove) there were 10,000 dead people who voted or requested absentee ballots.

How could that happen?

Michigan has a database that allows you to enter someone’s name, zip code, month and year of birth, and then check their absentee request status. If you search this database, sometimes you’ll find “dead people” requesting absentee ballots. The BBC did a comprehensive study on this, and basically, here’s why it happens…

Sometimes, two people will have the same name. Sometimes, people move out of state and then one state fails to purge them from their voter rolls. Sometimes, death records were attributed to someone with the same name.

Of their random sampling of 31 “dead people” in the Michigan database, 28 were definitely still alive. This doesn’t show a problem with voter fraud, but rather that Michigan sucks at making databases for absentee ballots.

“What happened on January 6th was really ANTIFA dressed up as Trump supporters!”

No, it fucking wasn’t.

We have eyes. And ears. And also, the DOJ website has all their fucking cases available to the public. A funny thing happens when you start looking up the names of the people who have been indicted… you find their Facebook pages, Instagram accounts, Twitter accounts, etc.

Guess what? The vast majority of them are easy to find, they posted a lot of MAGA bullshit, and their lawyers are arguing in court that they were inspired to take action by President Trump.

“We reserve the right to overthrow a tyrannical government! This is our 1776!”

No, you’re just a fucking moron.

You were lied to, and then you acted upon a lie. It’s now called “The Big Lie” for a good reason. It’s a big ass lie. You threw a tantrum because you suck at counting, and now close to 1,000 people are going to end up doing lengthy prison sentences, because they were fucking stupid, and did stupid shit.

Oh yeah… y’all killed some cops, too. That’s fucking evil.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

“I’m defending democracy. You liberals did the same thing in 2016 with the Russia hoax!”

No, you’re fucking not.

First things first, it wasn’t a hoax. The Mueller Report indicted, convicted, or obtained 34 total guilty pleas.

31 people and 3 companies collected guilty verdicts with charges ranging from election interference, tampering, email hacking, lying to the FBI, etc.

The only reason Mueller didn’t indict President Trump was because he didn’t believe a special counsel had the power to indict a sitting President, which is exactly what he said in his report. He never said he didn’t have the evidence to indict Trump. He said that he believed it was beyond the scope of his power to indict President Trump.

There was proof of election fraud on behalf of the Trump campaign in 2016. That’s why motherfuckers went to prison.

Also, did you know that President Trump pardoned his former campaign manager Paul Manafort? Did you also know that by accepting a pardon, you are tacitly admitting guilt? That’s how pardons work. This is settled law, in a verdict called Burdick v. United States.

The moment Paul Manafort accepted his Presidential pardon, he admitted guilt. Period. End of goddamn story.

“What? Am I just an ungovernable idiot?”

Yes, you fucking are.

By repeating unsubstantiated claims of voter fraud, or otherwise questioning the integrity of our voting systems, you are tacitly eroding the foundation of our democracy.

Democracies work because of the peaceful transfer of power. That means we tally up the results of elections, and whoever wins gets to take office next. If you cannot accept those results, or you claim there was fraud or abuse… you better have some really goddamn good evidence for your claims.

Otherwise, you’re participating in a little thing called fascism. Now, I know that word gets thrown around a lot, but when a person in power tries to stay in power despite the clear outcome of a democratic election, it’s fascism. That’s how fascists have literally always risen to power.